Friday, December 5, 2008

Why the Bedroom is the One Place We Don't Want You to Shut Up

I'm not talking about talking dirty, you understand. I'm not necessarily talking about talking at all - any sounds that come up out of your oral cavity during sexual activity (apart from laughter, snoring, and, immediately after we've finished, the word 'again') are good. All I'm asking is, if we're making an attempt to delight you, then the least you can do in tax return is show us some aural (as opposing to oral) appreciation.

For one thing, it'll make us execute better. Ever watched two squads playing football game in an empty stadium? Always a pretty dull affair. Sexual Activity is like soccer, as far as we're concerned - take the encouragement and you just don't acquire the same degree of ball skills.

It's not that quiet sexual activity can't be good, you understand, but there's a clip and a topographic point - like a lunch period band aid in the Mention subdivision at the local library, or at your parents' house, particularly when they're asleep in the adjacent room. And even then, we necessitate to believe that the attempt of keeping quiet is even harder than, well, we are.

But bear in head that there's loud, and then there's LOUD. Take my first clip with a 'screamer' - inch an attempt to finally acquire her into bed, I'd taken her to an bosom small B&B in Brighton. I'll save you the high-decibel details, but at breakfast the adjacent morning time I shrank down in my place as the fortunately deaf-as-a-post landlady enquired whether my comrade had "managed to acquire off all right" the former nighttime - by the expressions we were getting from the other guests, it would look that that had been quite obvious. The moral of the story? By all agency zigzag it up, just not all the manner to eleven. We desire you to sound like you're having a good time, not a baby.

A friend of mine curses he can state what a woman's going to be like in bed by the manner she sneezes. If she seeks to conceal it, just by making a human face and attempting to smother the noise, he certainly doesn't anticipate to be impressed by her vocal scope between the sheets. If, on the other hand, she allows out an 'achoo' that'd aftermath the dead, he's straight unit of ammunition to the chemists to stock up on rubbers and earplugs. And if she's a multiple sneezer? Well, visible light the bluish touch-paper and base back, apparently.

Short of 'accidentally' knocking over the common pepper pot, how can we be certain your deficiency of nocturnal emanations isn't our fault? If we're just not pressing your buttons, then obviously we're never going to happen the 1 marked 'volume'. But you cognize the reply to that 1 - if we can't make it work, then give us the instructions, or you'll have got to make it yourself.

But don't take my word for it. Rent a movie - I'm talking blockbuster rather than weepy rom-com, fast-forward to the film's outstanding action sequence - maybe the shoot-out in Heat, or the gap beach landing scene from Economy Private Ryan, and fourth estate 'play'. Impressive stuff, eh? Mind-blowing, even? Now watch it again, but this clip with the 'mute' button pressed on your distant control - not quite the same, is it? Not so... exciting? There's a ground why they awarding an Oscar for 'Best Sound' every twelvemonth - the same ground that we like you to be vocal in bed, and it's this: However good the action is, if the soundtrack isn't up to scratch, we might as well fast-forward to the ending.

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